Grand Gestures and Simple Truths, a Star Wars Episode Three alternative ending by Glacis. Rated PG-13 for language and a little innuendo. Spoilers for all six movies. No infringement intended. I believe Lucas has seen Monty Python & the Holy Grail a few too many times, so I humbly present my reaction to the Revenge of the Sith.

It was a long trip to wherever the hell Anakin took off after he slaughtered all the… er… younglings. Obi Wan spent the entire trip hoping Padme never checked the ship’s internal sensors to catch him, never looked behind her, never used the bathroom the same time he had to sneak out of his little hidey-hole to take a slash, and hoping against hope that the security holovids and his own sense of the Force were completely off about his ex-Padawan.

Yoda had Dooku. Qui-Gon had Xanathos. And what did Obi-Wan get?

Anakin the Chosen Darksider who Single-handedly (with a bunch of clones) Took Down the Temple.

And killed all the… younglings.

It was all Qui-Gon’s fault, Obi-Wan sulked. His master was the one to tell him to look after Anakin. So this was all Qui-Gon’s fault.

Obi-Wan spent most of the trip to hell wondering how things could have gone so badly wrong. How he could have failed Anakin so severely that the boy would take up with Padme Amidala, knock her up, then buddy-up to that freak Chancellor Palpatine the Sith Lord so that he ended up turning into Darth Vader and… killing all the younglings.

Obi-Wan couldn’t get the younglings out of his mind. To think he’d spent all that time teaching Anakin to fight so he could use it to kill a bunch of eight-year-olds. Truly, the waste of such potential was a tragedy, and that it should be at the hand of the one he’d called Padawan (and brother, and Ani, and squirt, on occasion) was surreally unbelievable.

But what made it all the more surreal was that, of all the capable, wise, ancient Jedi out there to deal with the fall-out, who was left?

Yoda, looking every one of his seven hundred fifty plus years, and Obi-Wan, stuck in a storage bin stowed away on pregnant Padme’s ship on the way to hell to confront Darth Anakin.

When had his life become a bad parody, filled with stilted dialog, cardboard characters, and whiplash changes in alliances?

When had reality turned into a morality play flipped on its head and dangling by an ellipsis?

When had evil become something to celebrate? Complete with organ music and religious fervor?

When had his life gone all to, well, hell?

Perhaps it had begun when Qui-Gon out-ran him on Naboo (damn his long legs) and got himself skewered by the demon with the horns and the tattoos. Surely Anakin wouldn’t have turned out so badly if Qui-Gon had been his master.

Then again, there was Xanatos…

Perhaps it had been when Anakin was rescued from slavery but his mother wasn’t; in hindsight, that surely wasn’t the best decision for the boy’s continuing belief in the mercy of the Jedi and the rightness of his path. It was only a matter of time before the tribulations of Anakin’s early youth as a slave would manifest themselves as jealousy, greed, lust, hunger for power and homicidal insanity.

Er. Obi-Wan shook his head. A little over-the-top, there.

Perhaps it was Palpatine… he’d known there was something fishy about that man for years, if only Obi-Wan hadn’t been too busy leading clones in battles against droids to pay better attention.

And the clones! How COULD they? After everything they’d BEEN to each other?!

Shaking off that thought, too, Obi-Wan furtively rearranged his trousers and returned to his Deep Thoughts.

Before he could further dissect the failures of his life, the ship docked, slamming against a solid surface and jolting Obi-Wan from his musings. He heard the hatch open and the ramp descend. Moments later Padme’s oddly light (for a very pregnant woman) tread ran down it, followed by the clanking footsteps of C3PO. Obi-Wan gave them a moment before following.

His instinct, honed by Qui-Gon’s teachings and reinforced by Yoda’s instructions over the years since he’d joined the Council (not to mention all the time he’d spent watching Mace ponce about until his eyes glazed over) prompted Obi-Wan to pose threateningly in the opening of the hatch.

An instant later it dawned on him that it might not be the best way to announce himself, since Anakin had gone all nutso and homicidal and Dark, so he melted into the side of the ship and watched.

Padme pled emotionally for Anakin to come to Naboo with her and raise their little family, far from the Republic…er, Empire… and the war and the Sith and all that nasty business.

Sounded like a good idea to Obi-Wan.

Anakin started blathering about killing Palpatine (also a decent idea from Obi-Wan’s perspective) then ruling all ‘his’ empire with Padme at his side (at which point it sounded liked megalomania had displaced homicidal rage in Anakin’s latest mood swing, not such a decent idea to Obi-Wan).

Then Anakin sniffed the air like a particularly hungry dog smelling freshly grilled meat, and it all went to shit.

Appropriate, Obi-Wan thought as he edged down the ramp toward Padme, that they should end this on a volcanic planet that looked like a demented version of the inner circle of hell, given that Anakin was now clamping Force-fingers around Padme’s throat and killing… younglings that hadn’t even been born yet. His own, at that.

“Let go of her!”

“You brought him here!” Anakin ranted as he choked the life out of Padme, who had no breath to respond beyond a rattling squeak or two. “It was him! You’re leaving me for him!”

Since Anakin was now babbling complete nonsense, Padme was running out of air and they were all running out of time, Obi-Wan decided that the forceful “I am your Master and you Will Obey” voice wouldn’t really work on a Darth the way it had on an Ani.

So he stopped, crossed his arms over his chest, rested his weight fetchingly on one hip, tilted his head down and looked up through his fringe at Anakin/Vader/Nutcase.

“Try not to be a complete ass, Anakin,” he said mildly.

Anakin looked over at Obi-Wan in disbelief but unfortunately didn’t stop choking Padme.

“She makes a grand gesture for you. She comes running straight to you, despite the plain truths I told her, and what do you do? You do your damnedest to kill her.”

He paused as Anakin looked blankly back at Padme, then sighed. Since The Pose wasn’t working on Mr. Oblivious, Obi-Wan sat down, instead, making himself look unthreatening to the demented young killer currently staring down at his girlfriend as if he’d never seen her before.

“And your baby. What, you’re not even going to wait until it’s born to kill it? Hmm. You’re slipping. Your… other master… won’t be very happy with you.”

“I’m doing this for her!” Anakin screamed at him.

“What?” Obi-Wan asked, still mildly. “Choking her to death and murdering your unborn child?”

“aaaaaaugh…” squeaked Padme, very quietly, as she began to turn blue.

“No!” Anakin exclaimed, suddenly releasing her.

She collapsed with what looked like an expression of relief on her face. At least she didn’t have to suffer through any more dialog in this scene. Anakin wrinkled his forehead at her in consternation, then focused again on Obi-Wan.

“This is your fault!” he cried.

“How?” Obi-Wan asked. He wanted to go to Padme and check to see if she still lived, but Anakin was a powder keg and they were surrounded by too much liquid fire to provoke him unnecessarily. “Was it my failure as a master that did this? Was I so awful you had to find another one? A Sith, at that?”

“I did this to save Padme’s life!” Anakin screamed harshly. “I had dreams! Nightmares! That she would die! In childbirth! That she would die, like my mother!”

Obi-Wan couldn’t help himself. He rolled his eyes.

“Anakin,” he asked slowly, as if addressing a particularly dense toddler, “have you never heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy? Look where your love for Padme has led you… to hell, killing innocents, betraying your brotherhood, choking the woman you say you love, and putting your unborn child at risk. If this is what the Dark side does for you, why would you ever leave the Light?”

“She chose you over me!” Anakin whined, somewhat less harshly and with much less righteous indignation.

“Do try not to be an idiot, Ani,” Obi-Wan sighed.

Anakin bristled, and Obi-Wan raised his hands in a gesture of supplication and surrender.

“When have I EVER given ANY indication that I had ANY interest in Padme beyond friendship?” he asked, his voice rising in volume throughout the question until by the end he was bellowing. “For mercy’s sake, Anakin, you lived with me and fought beside me and learned from me for fifteen years – did I, even once, EVER show ANY interest in a woman of ANY sort? EVER?!”

Anakin cocked his head and studied Obi-Wan. After a long moment of obviously painful thought, he answered, “Uhm, no?”

“And why would that be, Anakin?” Obi-Wan prodded him through the logic. Some things hadn’t changed since the boy was ten. Some things never would.

After another long painful pause, Anakin asked uncertainly, but with a soupcon of suspicion, “Because you wanted Padme?”

“NO!” yelped Obi-Wan, then dropped his head in his hands. “Try another answer. Think, Anakin,” he commanded, his voice muffled by the fingers clenching his beard to keep himself from boxing Anakin’s ears to beat some sense into the brat.

“Because… you were in love with someone else?” Even less certainty.

Obi-Wan didn’t bother answering. He merely lifted his head and glowered at Anakin.

“Try again,” he eventually growled.

“Because… as a Jedi… you put passion behind you and… don’t love anybody?”

Obi-Wan sighed. “Closer.” Anakin looked completely at sea, tough to do on a volcanic planet, so Obi-Wan elucidated. “I love you, as my brother.”

Anakin had the grace to look somewhat ashamed. Considering the hatchet job he’d been doing lately on any sentient being that got in his way, that was pretty impressive. Obi-Wan sighed again, coughing slightly at the sulfur in the air.

“I loved Qui-Gon, as my master. Yoda, as a teacher. Mace, when he wasn’t being a self-righteous prick…” his voice trailed off, and Obi-Wan looked more closely at Anakin. “Huh, looks like you learned something from him after all.”

Anakin looked as if he didn’t know whether to be proud or embarrassed. He settled for confused. It was a more natural expression for him, anyway.

Obi-Wan settled himself more comfortably on the ramp and gestured at Padme, still lying in an unconscious heap at Anakin’s feet. “Why don’t you check on your lady and your baby, Anakin?”

Anakin leaned forward as if to do so, then stopped and looked at Obi-Wan suspiciously. “Will you attack, if I help her, when my back is toward you?”

Obi-Wan shook his head. “That would be yourself you’re thinking of, not me, Anakin.”

Anakin looked confused again, but faintly reassured, as Obi-Wan made no move toward him. Then he knelt down next to Padme and began fussing over her.

Obi-Wan watched for awhile, thinking out his next move. Anakin was obviously completely insane. Seduced by the Dark side, in thrall to Sidious, a murderous traitor who should be put down like the mad animal he was.

On the other hand, he was also still desperately in love with Padme. There was a shred of decency left in him, or he’d have killed her when he had her throat in a Force-grip. He hadn’t attacked as soon as he’d seen Obi-Wan, so there was a hesitation to kill a friend that Obi-Wan himself felt, regardless of how heinous the friend had acted in a fit of madness.

If he played this right, he still might save Anakin. Anakin might save Padme.

Yoda could deal with Sidious.

Obi-Wan was sick of the whole thing. If they did fight, either he’d die, and the rest of the galaxy would go to hell with Anakin – as Vader – at the controls, or he’d end up whacking off all Anakin’s limbs and leaving him on a rock burned beyond recognition then lose Padme to her own despair and end up having to take care of the baby – not an option Obi-Wan wanted to face.

So he made his choice. It was time for another simple truth. One that was blazingly obvious to anyone with a brain in his head. Of course, Anakin had never figured it out.

“Anakin?”

Obi-Wan’s erstwhile apprentice looked up at him with tragic red-yellow-blue-bloodshot eyes, cradling Padme’s head against his blood- and gore-soaked chest armor. Obi-Wan swallowed down bile. Anakin must have had a high old time killing things to get that messy.

“There’s another reason to be assured I have never had any romantic interest in Padme, nor she in me.”

Anakin’s eyes began to shade more toward the yellow, reminding Obi-Wan unnervingly of that sexy tattooed horned Sith, and Obi-Wan hurried on.

“You lived with me for fifteen years. You know how I appreciate elegance in everything from music to mathematics to saber fighting styles. You know how I love to spend time in the library. You know how picky I can be about my robes. And you know how pissed off I get when you mess up the bathroom.”

Anakin nodded, picking up Padme and hauling her into the ship. As he passed Obi-Wan he asked seriously, “So?”

Obi-Wan shook his head. “So, do you really believe I’m straight?”

Luckily, C3PO caught Padme before she hit the deck. After one shock too many, Darth Anakin Vader Skywalker had fainted dead away.

Obi-Wan sighed yet again, ungently kicked Ani’s unconscious body into the ship, and closed the landing ramp. Moments later, with droid and Force assistance, Anakin was immobilized in the cargo bay with Force-dampening manacles and Padme was ensconced in the tiny medical bay, resting comfortably.

As he settled into the pilot’s chair and headed off to Naboo to drop off his human cargo, Obi-Wan wondered, “Where did I go wrong?”

Next to him in the copilot’s chair, a bluish transparent being that looked a hell of a lot like Qui-Gon coalesced and answered promptly, “You should have tripped me when you got the chance. If I hadn’t died when I did, things would have turned out much differently.”

Absently, Obi-Wan answered, “I should have tripped you and beat you to the floor, but you always moved too fast for me to catch you.”

Then he blinked, looked sideways in disbelief at the ghost of his former Master and decided, once this was all sorted out, he was going to run away, become a hermit on Tattooine, and never come out of his cave again.

Qui-Gon smiled over at him. “Or maybe not,” he added. “Want some company?”

Obi-Wan didn’t bother to reply.

Disposition of our characters:

DARTH ANAKIN VADER SKYWALKER checked into a Gungan clinic for Force-sensitive Psychopaths with Multiple Personality Disorder and Dark/Light Confusion Issues. He was there for the rest of his life, alternating between rejoicing in the slaughter of the… younglings, and mooning over his wife, Padme.

PADME AMIDALA SKYWALKER gave up politics, visited her splintered husband faithfully every week, and raised her kids to be Light-siders.

LUKE became a champion deep-sea pearl diver and LEIA was crowned Queen at the age of fourteen. Neither ever set foot on Tattooine, although they knew and loved Weird Uncle Obi-Wan, who visited often.

YODA chucked it all and went into retirement on Dagoba, spending his time communing with the swamp creatures and practicing his grammar.

SIDIOUS was killed in the first week of training by his new apprentice (Darth JarJar – hey, the barrel was pretty empty, by then, and JarJar could cause complete strangers to shudder and run in fear, not a bad quality in a Sith). The Empire fell within a fortnight. Bail Organa took over and Liberty Reigned Again amongst the Free Worlds.

THE CLONES, lonely and without direction, ended up congregating on a heavily-wooded planet, the name of which they never bothered to learn, and ate roast ewoks until they all fell into comas and died.

OBI-WAN KENOBI bounced around the Outer Rim for several years trying to escape the ghost of Qui-Gon, hanging out with Bail doing Manly Things best unreported here, and mind-whammying civilians for the hell of it.

QUI-GON, Force ghost, mooned after Obi-Wan for the rest of his unlife. He was happy, anyway.

THE END (thank the Force)