Have You Heard The One About... by Seeker.  Rated NC17.  No copyright infringement intended.



"A werewolf, a vampire and a veela walk into a pub..."


"Oh.  I've heard this one."


"Not like this, you haven't."



"I don't give a bloody good god-damn what you heard, Lucius!" Severus Snape hissed at his oldest friend, eyes flashing red and fangs barely kept in check.  "This is the stupidest mandate Old Vold's come up with in a line of progressively stupid mandates ever since he regained his corporeal form!  It will never work!"


"We have to try," Malfoy responded quietly, eyes flashing silver as his True Self responded with alacrity to Severus' agitation.  There were few things a veela liked better than a fully roused vampire.  Or any sort of dark creature, really.  There was an energy there that couldn't be matched with any simpler creature.  Normal wizards gave a veela a slight charge, squibs and muggles none at all, but when a dark creature was roused... oh, the energy!  The zing!  The rampant urge to-


The door closing behind Remus Lupin derailed his train of thought.  Or perhaps it was the wave of want now rolling off Severus like the room had been doused with a vat of musk.  Lucius barely restrained a moan.


Lupin didn't bother holding back his growl.


"Where's Sirius?" he rasped, his voice low and threatening.


Beside him, Severus shivered.  Lucius firmly commanded his cock to calm down.  His cock ignored him and leapt up to press against his trouser buttons needily.  Lucius swallowed hard to moisten his mouth enough to speak.  Before he could, Severus hissed through his teeth.


"Thsiriuths ithsn't here."  He'd've sounded a lot haughtier without the lisp.


Lucius glanced sideways.  Yes.  Fangs fully extended, lips stiffened to try to cover them, failing badly.  Severus was ready to jump out of his skin with a combination of lust and nerves.


He smelled delicious to Lucius' veela senses.  Equally as delicious was the wave of musk, anger, confusion and wariness coming from Lupin.  Lucius basked in it for a moment before wrenching his attention back to the moment at hand.


"Black isn't here, Mr. Lupin," he cut in smoothly, as Severus fought for composure.  "The message was from myself and Severus.  A ruse, if you will."


"To what purpose?"  From the way the fur, er, hair at the back of Lupin's neck stiffened, Lucius knew the wolf didn't believe him.


"To ensure that you would meet with us.  On neutral ground.  To talk.  Nothing nefarious, I assure you."  His erection begged to differ, but Lucius ignored it for the moment.


Lupin slunk the rest of the way into the pub, joining them reluctantly, as Lucius and Severus eased back into their seats.  Another quick glance confirmed that Severus had his fangs under control, but the tinge of blood still showed in his eye, so Lucius continued the explanation.


"We have a proposal," he purred.  Narrowed amber eyes glared at him, unimpressed.  Lucius took a deep breath, reminded himself not to veela out in public, and licked his lips.  Beside him, Severus made a strangled noise.  Lupin's glare swiveled to cover Severus and Lucius found he could breathe again.


Damn, the wolf was sexy.


"Please hear us out before you make your decision," he continued, with a slight hitch in his voice.  The molten amber swung back to him, and he found himself swaying slightly in pure lust.  "Our proposition is straightforward."  His voice lowered until the others in the pub couldn't overhear.  The fact that this caused Lupin to lean closer, causing a rush of wonderful scent to surround Lucius, was a side benefit.  "Beings such as yourself, and others with the unfortunate designation of Dark, have been discriminated against unfairly for centuries.  We propose a world in which wizards and werewolves and vampires and such can live free of fear, dwelling in the strength of their unique abilities without the threat of death or imprisonment.  No sanctimonious ministry punishing us for being who and what we are, no ignorant violent muggles treated as innocent victims when they are in fact the aggressors, no walking in the dark when we should own the daylight.  You smell absolutely wonderful and I want to fuck you until neither one of us can walk.  Our leader has been much maligned by-"


"Augh!" Severus groaned beside him, a decided lisp contorting the sound.


Lupin's hands were clamped on the table until his knuckles were white and his eyes were moon-sized.  His mouth hung open and Lucius wanted to lick his teeth.


The unexpected reaction to his as yet incomplete sales pitch gave Lucius pause, and he retraced his words.  Then he froze.  For a moment, his skin turned shimmering opalescent and his pupils slanted, his tongue flickering round his lips as his True Self emerged.


"Merde," he said, trying not to glow too conspicuously and get them all thrown out.  There were some things one simply didn't do in a public place in England.  Even a wizarding pub on the seedier side of town.  Shedding human visage for veela was one of them.  Even in a shadowy booth at the far end of the pub where no one could see what they were doing anyway.  He shot Severus a glance.


Vamping out was another.


Oddly enough, Lupin didn't look afraid.  Or perhaps the oddity wasn't his lack of fear, nor the fact that he didn't instantly retreat.  Rather it was the strangely intense look piercing both Lucius and Severus.


"You're a veela," he said slowly, his voice very low, tightening Lucius' nerves and nearly allowing more glow to escape.  "And you're a vampire," he said to Severus.  A flash of startling white fang against reddening lips, before Severus dropped his head to hide behind his hair again.  "So you're telling me this is why you support Voldemort?  Because you're dark creatures and he's promised you, what, the world?"


"Only our rightful plathce in it," Severus replied, then cleared his throat, embarrassed.  Again, haughtiness was sacrificed to lisp.  Lucius rolled his eyes.


"Partly," Lucius answered honestly, to his own shock.  "Partly because Voldie's loony as a March Hare and we're all walking lightly around him until the Potter brat gets around to liquidating him."


"Luth!!" Severus exclaimed.


"You know it's true, Sev," Lucius shot back, mind only half on what he was saying.  The rest of his attention was on Lupin, and the way he was starting to sweat.  Lucius wanted to lick his neck.


"Now, thso doeths Remuths," Severus muttered.


"Bite me," Lucius told him absently.  That provoked a moan that was hungry, not irritated.  Lucius grinned.  From the way Lupin now stared at him, he had a feeling his pointed teeth were showing, but he couldn't care less.


There was something decidedly freeing in giving in to one's baser self.


"What do you say, Lupin?" he asked invitingly.  "Want to join ranks?"


"No," the wolf stated firmly.


Not missing a beat, Lucius asked, "Want to get naked?  Together?"


The thunk of Severus' head hitting the table nearly drowned out Lupin's equally firm, "Yes."


Severus' head shot up so fast it was a wonder he didn't dislocate his neck.  "What?"


"I mean," Lupin said, sounding confused, "er, no?"


"I'll go with your first answer," Lucius contradicted him.  In the blink of an eye, he launched himself over the table and caught Lupin's shoulders in his hands, pinning him to the wall at the back of the booth.  The sweat tasted just as good as it looked.


"Fuck, fuck, fuck," Severus muttered, one of the few curses he could get out without lisping, though every 'f' nicked his bottom lip with his fang-tips.  Not that Lucius noticed, being too busy memorizing the taste of turned-on werewolf.


A strong shoulder shoved him over, and Lucius slid round the table to crowd against Lupin's left side.   He then took advantage of the change in position to clamp his mouth over Lupin's and start sucking on his tongue.  There was no way for the wolf to escape, as Severus swooped over to Lupin's right side and began to nibble on the neck left invitingly displayed.  Lupin's body jolted under the sensation and Lucius hummed as Lupin groaned into his mouth.


Who gave a flying fuck what Voldie wanted?  This is what Lucius wanted, and Severus too, and Lupin if the impressively large cock pushing against his palm beneath the rough material of Lupin's trousers was any indication.


The sound of Severus' tongue lapping at Lupin's neck was incredibly exciting, and Lucius couldn't hold off any longer.  Knowing that at any moment he was going to start glowing like a torch, and they'd have all sorts of uninvited onlookers, he wrapped both arms around his booth-mates and apparated them all somewhere more comfortable.


His bed at Malfoy Manor.  His extra large bed, the one reserved for multiple partners.  His orgy bed.


Oh, yes.


"What the ... oh, god ... where did you-?"  Lupin choked as he tried to question his captors.  No doubt from the shock of Lucius' disrobing spell.  Or perhaps because Severus had his cock down Lupin's throat.  Regardless, he stopped speaking and starting squirming.  As it should be.


Lucius sighed with satisfaction as he ran his fingers up and down and around and into Lupin's muscular, soft-skinned, exceptionally tight arsehole.  The musky scent was stronger with all the clothing out of the way, and the wiry hair over most of the werewolf's human form was a delight against Lucius' body.  Veelas didn't have body hair, and Lupin's tickled most deliciously where it rubbed against Lucius' skin.  That, and the scent, and the heat of the ring slowly yielding to Lucius' questing fingers, promised heaven.


"Not yet!" Severus hissed suddenly, yanking Lupin's head off his cock and pulling it up until they could kiss.  Lucius looked on with interest.  Severus' normally marble-pale skin was actually slightly flushed, quite an accomplishment for a vampire.  Lupin's skills must be impressive.


Perhaps even as impressive as his arse, though from Lucius' perspective at the moment he couldn't see how anything else could be.  Lupin whined into Severus' mouth as Lucius shifted forward on the bed and pulled his fingers out from the now greedily-clenching hole.


"Un moment, petit," he whispered, reaching out to hold Lupin's hips steady as he lined his cock up until the head rested at Lupin's entrance.  The tiny convulsions of the muscle against the head of his cock were almost unbearable.  "Sev?  Mords-le!"  Severus' eyes flashed red at the command to bite, and he broke the kiss with a wet sound that, if anything, hardened Lucius further.


With the ease of long practice, Lucius and Severus took their prey, Lucius sinking to the balls deep in Lupin's arse as Severus sank his fangs into Lupin's neck.  Through slitted eyes Lucius saw Severus' shoulder move and could feel by the reaction jolting through Lupin's body that Severus was milking Lupin's cock with one strong hand.  Lupin's head fell back on Lucius' shoulder and he gave a choked wail, more wolf than man, as he bucked between them.


True selves flashed out in an instant for all three.  The ferocity of the wolf, the hunger of the vampire, the fire of the veela, the strength of all three; it was a wonder the bedchamber didn't combust.


The bed frame did break.


Not that they noticed.


Lucius pounded hard into Lupin's arse, skin glowing as he transformed, boundaries of skin and flesh of no importance as he blended with his new lover.  Severus thrust desperately against Lupin's thigh as his hand worked hard on Lupin's cock, and Lupin's wiry strength between them anchored them all.  Lupin came first, howling, thrashing, trembling, transmitting his pleasure through his blood to Severus, triggering Severus' climax.  The clamp of teeth and hand wrung the last of Lupin's orgasm from him, a frenzy of movement cascading through his body that overcame Lucius' control, sending him over the edge as well.  He pressed into and around Lupin's body, hands tangling in Severus' hair, face buried against Lupin's back, arms and legs a tangle to the point only the glow differentiated where Lucius ended and his lovers began.


Severus finished feeding, withdrawing his fangs and licking at the spill of blood trickling from the wound on Lupin's neck.  Lupin shivered along the length of his body, dislodging Lucius' spent cock, drawing a disappointed sigh from them both.  As if to counter the loss, Lupin snuggled his warm arse back against Lucius' groin, and Lucius nuzzled the sweaty hair at the nape of Lupin's neck.


They lay there together for some time, the only sounds in the room their breathing and the shift of bodies against one another on the linens.  Lucius was nearly asleep when he heard Lupin say, "This doesn't mean I'm joining you."


Ignoring the snort Severus gave, Lucius looked down at the utterly relaxed, sweat- and spunk- and blood-splattered body plastered against his own, and replied, "Looks like you did, rather thoroughly."


Lupin gave a snort of his own, disguising a laugh from the sound of it.  "You, well, yes.  Voldemort, no."


"That's all right, then," Lucius told him sleepily.  And funnily enough, it was.