Who We Are, by Glacis. No copyright infringement
intended. Rated NC17. Spoilers for Fallout.
The return from
Tripping through the wormhole was as familiar and
welcome as a cold breeze in his face, chilling his feverish thoughts, chasing
themselves in circles as they completely disobeyed his internal command to shut
the hell up. Frasier and her team met
them at the end of the ramp, barking out orders as she poked and prodded and
shone beams of light in Kyanna's... not Kyanna's... in the woman's eyes.
The woman he'd thought he was starting to build
something with. The woman who wasn't who
he thought she was. Wasn't the brilliant
engineer, wasn't the shy girl with the sudden sparkling smile, hell, wasn't
even human.
Just another snake taking over
another innocent body to infiltrate and conquer.
Jonas was so damned sick of the Goa'uld
he wanted to slaughter every single one of them. Right now. As violently and messily as
possible.
Which didn't quite explain what he was doing sitting at the bedside of one,
waiting to see if it would live or die, and actually, in a way he really didn't
want to think about too hard, hoping the snake would live.
Because the snake, whoever she... it, damnit, whoever
it was, was the part of Kyanna he had started to fall
in love with. And that left him
perplexed. Bewildered. Betrayed by his own
emotions, and angry with himself for all of it.
And waiting next to her bed to see if she'd come out of the coma.
Still, as he watched, he couldn't bring himself to
touch her. The lights had long since
gone down in the infirmary. The frantic
activity of past hours had calmed to an alert watchfulness that relied more on
machinery than personnel, so Jonas was essentially alone with her. He perched on the stool he'd been perched on
since finishing his debriefing hours earlier, and stared at the pale, scraped,
oddly peaceful face of the stranger housing the Goa'uld
pretending to be the woman he'd nearly fallen for.
"Suddenly I repulse you? Not that long ago you felt
differently."
Her words echoed in
his mind. She'd reached out to him and
he'd instinctively brushed her hand away before it could touch him. Words burst from him without thought, pure
reaction. That was before I found out who you are. What you are.
"Yet the fact remains, you never knew the host before I took her.
All this time it was never Kyanna, it was always
me."
The frightening
truth remained that she was right.
"They use you.
It's what they do. You get
attached. It's who we are."
Daniel Jackson's quiet voice blended so well with
the voices in his memory that it took a moment for Jonas to realize it was
real. He tilted his head, glancing out
of the corner of his eye at Daniel, standing next to him, also staring at Kyanna.
Kyanna's body.
The parasite wearing Kyanna's body.
"Sounds like the voice of experience,"
Jonas remarked before his tired brain caught up with his tongue and he
winced. Of course it was. If ever there was a man who'd been tangled up
with Goa'uld, it was Daniel Jackson. His late wife. His ex-girlfriend. Even the archeologist friend he'd brought
into the Stargate program was taken. And
from what Jonas had read of the mission files, it wasn't just the Goa'uld; the Tok'Ra showed the
same propensity for attraction to Daniel, if Anise was anything to go by. "Sorry," he muttered.
"It's okay," Daniel answered softly. "It's difficult."
"It's stupid!" Jonas burst out, barely
restraining himself from screaming.
"It's not like the Goa'uld took over my
lover. I never even knew the woman
before the damned Goa'uld took her over. I can't believe I fell in love with a Goa'uld!"
His words echoed a little against the metal walls,
and he winced again. "Ah,
hell," he muttered. "I don't
know what I'm doing anymore. I got
snared by a chimera."
"So why does it hurt to see her lying there
like that?" Daniel asked, although
Jonas could tell by his tone it was a rhetorical question. "Because it's not
black and white. The Goa'uld are master manipulators,
and they know how to make a lie sound like the truth." His hand lay heavy on Jonas' shoulder, the
warmth somehow reassuring in the sterile surroundings of the infirmary. "They also know just how to make humans
give them what they want."
"She played me," Jonas said, the words
more broken than bitter, and he sighed.
"Maybe she played you too well, and played
herself, a little, too," Daniel said, squeezing Jonas' shoulder briefly.
"What do you mean?" Jonas looked up at him, to see Daniel staring
intently back at him.
"From what I heard at the debriefing, it
sounded like she... felt something for you.
Goa'uld aren't known
for too many emotions, other than sadism, and this one sounded somewhat
confused by the whole situation. Maybe
that's why you're confused, too. It felt
real, because at some level, in some measure, it was, somehow, a little bit
real."
Jonas thought about it, but his brain was already
overloaded, and Daniel's philosophical arguments could make him dizzy on a good
day, which this wasn't. He shook his
head, and nearly overbalanced off the stool, saved from landing on his ass only
by Daniel's quick grab. The heat of
Daniel's arm around his back made Jonas aware of how cold he was, and the
steady hold contrasting with his own unsteadiness made him even more aware of
how tired he was.
"Think about it later," Daniel advised
him. "You're dead on your
feet. C'mon." He didn't remove his support, for which Jonas
was grateful, as he guided Jonas out the door into the corridor. "We've got guest quarters with your name
on them."
"Sounds great." It did. And it didn't. Because he was beyond tired, but he was also
wired, too wired to sleep. When Daniel
nodded to the SP who opened the door, Jonas found himself reaching out a hand
to stop him from leaving. "Um, you
busy?" Stupid question, he thought,
but Daniel's eyes were understanding. With a smile and a shake of his head, he
followed Jonas into the room.
Once they were in and settled, Jonas couldn't think
of anything to say. Daniel didn't seem
uncomfortable in the silence, which was a relief. Before it stretched too long, Daniel gave him
a half-grin and shrugged one shoulder.
"This is kind of like kel
no reem with Teal'c. Only no candles."
"Or symbiotes,"
Jonas noted, then bit his tongue. So much for keeping the Goa'uld out of the conversation.
Daniel's expression sobered and he nodded, once,
solemnly. "Did you love her?"
he asked abruptly.
Jonas answered immediately, "I didn't know
her."
"Not Kyanna. The one wearing Kyanna's body."
Put like that, it sounded so cold, so blunt... so
matter-of-fact. Oddly enough the
question enabled Jonas to step back from the maelstrom of thoughts colliding
around the subject and divorce his emotions from his logic.
"Not quite," he finally answered, the
words coming slowly as he reasoned it out.
"I think I could have. Given time. But when
I found out what she... what it was... it would have all felt like a lie."
"Even though the personality she showed you was,
in fact, her personality, not Kyanna's?" Blue eyes pierced through Jonas as Daniel
probed gently, forcing Jonas to face what he'd been trying to avoid ever since
he'd found out his would-be lover was a Goa'uld.
"Yes," he eventually conceded, "I
never could have trusted her. Even with
the Tok'Ra, there's a tendency to manipulate, twist
the truth for their greater good. With a
Goa'uld, in the end no matter how interesting she
might have found me, we would be enemies.
Even if she thought she loved me," he paused for a breath,
surprised at how much that hurt to say, "I'd be an anomaly to her. Humans are nothing more than slaves to them,
and can't be anything more."
"So it's just as well it ended before it could
begin, then, right?" Daniel asked after a moment.
Jonas closed his eyes. Maybe, but it still hurt. He nodded.
"Doesn't stop it from hurting, though, does
it?"
Daniel was suddenly much closer, so close his
breath whispered across Jonas' cheek.
Jonas' eyes opened to see Daniel, beside him on the bed, eyes still
intent, body still so warm, arm still as strong as it wrapped around Jonas'
waist. Jonas took a deep breath, then let it out on a sigh.
"You'd definitely know about that," he
murmured, his voice feeling strangled in his throat.
"Yeah," Daniel answered as quietly.
"So what do you do about it?" Jonas turned as he spoke, finding himself so
close to Daniel now the other man's features were blurred.
"You forget it the best you can, and you keep
going," Daniel told him, then kissed him.
It was different from kissing Kyanna,
and that was all to the good. It was
gentle, undemanding, weirdly comforting.
When Daniel let him have his mouth back, Jonas said, "Best way I
can think of to forget it," and kissed Daniel back.
It wasn't gentle.
It was hungry, a different kind of comfort, but comfort all the
same. His hands came up to cup Daniel's
face, one sliding around the back of his neck to hold him close. Daniel's arm tightened around Jonas' waist,
shifting him closer as they deepened contact.
Daniel's mouth tasted good, like coffee and oranges, as it opened for
Jonas' tongue. Jonas let his eyes drift
closed again, and concentrated on sensation.
It was more than enough.
Daniel's chest was warm beneath his, legs tangling
together as they slid sideways onto the bed.
Jonas could feel Daniel's hands wander, lowering the zip on his shirt,
peeling it back, roaming over his chest, down his sides, across his stomach. Those hands were warm, too, and strong, and
knew what they were doing. Jonas moaned
into Daniel's mouth, feeling his pants tightening uncomfortably, and came up
for air, to see that Daniel's glasses were fogged up.
"Too many clothes," Jonas told Daniel,
then carefully removed Daniel's glasses and placed them on the bedside
table. Daniel grinned at him, eyes
sparkling though still so piercing they looked like they could see right
through him.
Jonas shivered, then
decided that was sexy. Then he stopped
thinking, as Daniel's talented hands slid the zip on his trousers down and
pushed down his shorts in the same motion.
Jonas twisted to reach in return, hands bumping as they stripped one
another.
It should have been awkward. Should have had broken bits of conversation,
stumbling questions or apologies, should have included some blushing and some
second thoughts and some hint of 'what the fuck are we doing?'
It didn't.
It was easy, like touching himself, as natural as breathing. Yes, hands tangled, and arms got caught in
sleeves, and they laughed a little when trousers got wrapped around boots. It was no less hungry, no less heated, and no
less comforting for the reality of it.
Perhaps even moreso
because of it.
By the time they were naked, Jonas knew the texture
and taste of Daniel's skin, knew what Daniel sounded like when Jonas licked a
sensitive spot, knew the way Daniel shook when that sensation was too intense
to control, and Daniel knew the same of Jonas.
Their bodies slid together as if they'd been doing this for years, yet
every touch, every bite, every caress was a discovery.
The breadth of Daniel's shoulders under Jonas'
hands was matched by the strength of the muscles of his back, the softness of
his buttocks, the length of his thighs. The slick wet heat of his cock was bitter and
sweet as it pressed over Jonas' tongue, and the warm suction of Daniel's mouth
on Jonas was a perfect counter to Jonas swallowing Daniel. Jonas ran his fingers down the length of
Daniel's cock, curving under and gently massaging Daniel's balls as he sucked,
wringing a moan from Daniel's throat that felt incredible around his own
cock. A hand slid between Jonas' thighs,
pressing behind his balls, sending a jolt of pleasure through him, and it was
his turn to moan around Daniel.
Jonas' free hand roamed over soft skin, sliding in
the sweat rising on it as they moved together, until it stumbled across
Daniel's fingers, caught between their torsos.
Their hands locked instinctively, anchoring them to one another as they
moved faster, thrust harder, sucked as strongly as they could and eventually
flew apart. Daniel was first to tense,
his fingers clamping like a vise around Jonas' hand, his mouth stilling on
Jonas' cock as he keened, hips pumping helplessly as he came. Jonas concentrated on swallowing, forcing his
hips to stop moving as Daniel climaxed, then cleaning
Daniel's flesh thoroughly with his tongue.
When Daniel caught his breath, he returned to
sucking Jonas with enthusiasm, and it wasn't long before Jonas was thrusting as
desperately as Daniel had, losing his control as he jerked against Daniel's
hold, pouring himself down Daniel's throat.
Daniel milked him expertly, draining him, gentling him. It had been so long since he'd done this, since
anyone else had touched him, and his orgasm was so intense he grayed out.
By the time he was fully cognizant of his
surroundings, Daniel had maneuvered them straight on the bed, their heads cradled on the pillows, and pulled a blanket
over them. The exhaustion Jonas had
fought all night caught up with him, coupled with coming down from the
adrenaline rush of saving his planet, the shock of finding out about the Goa'uld, and the endorphin release of the sex. He was asleep before he knew it hit him.
The next thing he knew, someone was shaking
him. Jonas pulled his head out from
beneath the pillow he'd burrowed under sometime during the night, and peered
blearily up at Daniel.
Who perched, fully dressed, on the edge of the bed, holding out a steaming cup
of coffee.
"Marry me," Jonas blurted, grinning like
a maniac as he clamped both hands around the cup and inhaled deeply before
taking a careful sip. He looked up. Daniel was looking at him like he'd lost his
mind. "Okay, maybe not, but this is
the best I've felt in ages, so forgive my momentary insanity."
Daniel shook his head, returning Jonas' grin. "It's the coffee," he told Jonas
solemnly. "I understand
completely."
Jonas snorted into his cup, but wisely refrained
from telling Daniel it wasn't just the coffee.
"You've got twenty minutes before
gate-time," Daniel then told him, causing Jonas to choke on his
coffee. "So you'd better get
moving."
Then he leaned forward, kissed Jonas over the
coffee cup, gave him a grin and left the room.
Jonas stared at the closed door dazedly for much too long, before
gulping the rest of his coffee and throwing his clothes on. That kiss... he was still thinking about it
when he caught up to Daniel in the corridor outside the gate room. He licked his lower lip, watching Daniel
watch him do it, then raised a brow, asking Daniel
silently what that had been about.
Daniel gave him a lopsided grin.
"Getting past it," he answered the
unspoken question, "and moving on."
One of the airmen called Daniel over, and Jonas
watched him walk away, a grin of his own refusing to leave his face. It made sense. Comfort, and friendship,
and distraction, and a good night's sleep. He was going to miss this place.
These people.
Shaking his head, he wandered into the gate room
and stared up at the Gate. The first
chevron locked, as Daniel walked in behind him.
Coming over to stand close enough that Jonas could feel his warmth,
Daniel asked, "Do you miss it?"
An innocuous question that
could cover a thousand sins. Jonas decided to answer all of them. "Yeah. I do."
But it was time to move on, and thanks to Daniel, he could.
The gate activated, as Daniel leaned over and told
him, "Well, judging by what you have to deal with back on
Jonas held back a laugh. Barely. "Yeah. I don't know what Jack said to them, but they
are being a little more cooperative."
Daniel gave him a sideways grin. "Let's hope it lasts."
Sam and Kyanna came into
the gate room then, and Jonas felt his nerves tighten. Daniel moved imperceptively
closer, and he found himself relaxing again.
He could do this. "How are
you feeling?" he asked Kyanna.
"Fine, I guess." Her voice sounded different, unsteady, uncertain. The woman, not the symbiote. It was strange. "I don't remember everything," she
continued. "It's like a
dream."
More like a nightmare, Jonas thought, but before he
could say it, Sam told them, "The symbiote's
dead."
"She saved me," Kyanna
added. "She could have let me die
with her, but she didn't." She
glanced over at Sam, then back to Jonas.
"I know you'll find this hard to believe, but she appreciated
everything you did for her. What you
tried to do."
Not having any idea what to say to that, Jonas
nodded, then tipped his head toward the now-open
Gate. "Time to go
home." He looked over his
shoulder at Daniel.
Warm blue eyes stared back at him, and Daniel gave him an encouraging
look. Jonas reached up and patted his
shoulder, hand sliding helplessly down Daniel's back, one last touch before he
headed back to reality. Then he squared
his jaw, straightened his back, and headed up the ramp.
At the event horizon, he couldn't help
himself. He looked back one more time,
and saw Daniel, arms crossed over his chest, smile playing on his lips,
watching him in return. Jonas smiled,
dipped his head in acknowledgement, and stepped through the Gate.
The next few days were mind-numbingly dull. Council meetings were held, recriminations
were flung, and the surface amicability Jack had forced on the delegates
quickly degenerated into snarling at one another, although it didn't ever get
as far as declaring war, which rather surprised Jonas. When he'd had as much as he could stand, he
retreated to his lab.
Staring blankly at his computer, he thought over the past week, and found
himself smiling. With a little distance,
Daniel's logic still ringing in his ears and Daniel's touch still lingering on
his skin, he could put it all in perspective.
Kyanna wasn't the person he'd thought she was,
but she might just be the one he needed.
He didn't really know who she was, and it was time to find out.
It wouldn't be quick, might not be easy, and he'd
have to be the one to reach out because she certainly wouldn't. He got up from his stool, powered down the
computer, and went looking for Kyanna. It was time to see what the future might
hold.
END